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Comedy about War

Updated: Mar 20, 2022

When we win, we should make a comedy about this war. Yes, this should be a comedy. A feature film that the whole world will watch.

The film with a Bandera-mobile that even Batman would envy.

With Ukrainian gipsies who stole a Russian tank.

With street hooligans who captured a foe armoured vehicle barehanded.

With hobos who collected bottles for Molotov cocktails.

With grannies who were looking for foe marks and covered with paint all stasher contacts all over the district.

With Russian soldiers who shit themselves because a nice Ukrainian granny treated them with laxative tea, and later burned one down in the toilet.

With a simple Ukrainian man who put a mine away from the road to the forest barehanded and with a cig in his mouth.

With ruscists who got frightened of an Afghanistan memorial [translator’s note – it is a tank] and shelled it.

With a girl who shared with some dickpick sender bank account of Ukraine’s Armed Forces, instead of hers, and he sent money there.

How Ukrainian railroad workers in Sumy oblast lured a foe armoured personnel carrier to a dead end, and as the “tourists from Moscow arrived”, guys caught them and turned them into the Territorial Defence Forces.

And how hungry Russian soldiers were stealing food in our supermarkets.

And how those morons came directly to the local Ukrainian police department in Kharkiv oblast to ask for some diesel because they ran out of it.

And how the Russian troops used old maps and planned to land in the forest but ended up on a bare field and got immediately caught.

And how “disposable” troops landed near the Black Sea shore, but the water temperature was 0 degrees Celsius (32 degrees Fahrenheit), so the Territorial Defence Forces were waiting on the shore to shell them, but the unwelcomed guests fed fish with their flesh and bones.

And how the foe tank shot down its own helicopter.

And how in Mykolaiv locals caught a looter, took his pants down and tied him up to a pole, and the police car headlamps his bare ass.

And how the safari tour agency owner in Zanzibar transferred advance payments from Russian clients to help Ukrainian soldiers and sent the tourists their receipts.

And about the Hadiach safari, when a column of vehicles was heading to Poltava, but got lost, and turned to Hadiach, where they met our hunters, left their tanks and ran to the forest. And our guys were shooting them down in that forest.

And there’s also our granny Nadia, as the voice of the people.

Some good woman who exchanged food for a Russian tank.

Gampa Tolia hijacked a fighting vehicle with his tractor.

And how the enemy plane crashed near Zolotonosha and all villagers had been catching the pilot until he was caught.

And don’t forget about the guy from Dnipro who shitted a mark.

With the captain Taras Ostapchuk who drowned the yacht of the vice-president of the concern for the production of weapons “RosTech” – Russian oligarch Alexander Mikheyev to avenge the house shot down in Kiev, and Spanish court acquitted him.

With a cyber group, Anonymous, whose hackers deactivated state websites of the Russian Federation, broadcasted beautiful Ukrainian songs and published a database that contained phones, emails, and names of Russian Defence Ministry employees.

With the Georgians, who refused to refuel the Russian ship and offered to use oars.

With the whole word that repeated: “Russian warship, go fuck yourself!”

No, Ukraine is no longer sad and dispirited. Never again. Nevermore. No more suffering. Honour, Pride, Memory for our Heroes.

And let the enemy have the whole world’s contempt. Ridiculous and gross henchmen of a mad dwarf.

P. S. And let only one word, “palyanytsa” in the soundtrack as it is pronounced by frightened Russian soldiers.

Ukrainan Text by Olena Donchenko, translation in English by Ukrainianvancouver team – Feb 28, 2022

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